The Answering Machine, Or, My Fictionally Impressive Debut in Fiction

I noticed the blinking red light when I first walked into the apartment.  It came from the kitchen counter.  Some appliance, I thought.  It was an appliance, but not the typical kitchen appliance that someone leaves in a barren apartment before a new tenant moves in.  A telephone.  Telephone?  Strange luxury.  I'd have preferred a dishwasher or a garbage disposal.  A cordless phone with an answering machine.  People still own these?  I thought they had become redundant.  Well I guess they have, considering that the previous tenant left it for my pleasure.  That and a few complementary fixtures: a paper towel holder and a toilet roll holder, plus a little mold settling in above the shower.

For weeks I let the light blink.  I was busy.  I had just moved to this quiet town from the city.  I didn't have much time to waste.  I had just finished school and needed money.  I had rent to pay and a dog to feed, not including myself.  My degree was in philosophy, so obviously I was qualified for absolutely nothing and everything.  I had no idea what I wanted to do.  But I was driven by the immediacy of money.  I needed to survive.

A few days after I moved here, I went downtown to the local coffee shop.  I had a cup of coffee and sat in front of my laptop searching for jobs.  I wasn't picky.  I fired off resumes to any opening I was remotely qualified.  Server jobs, cook positions, retail, wine jobs, I was in Napa after all.  But to no avail.  Nothing bit.

I kept coming back to the cafe.  I kept searching online.  The perfect job must exist out there.  After a day of hopeless searching, my eyes were continually drawn outside.  I closed my laptop, put it in my bag and stepped outside.  The sun had just broken through the gloom of the morning and it was shaping up to be a perfect June afternoon.  I crossed the street and approached the large patch of grass that nestled up against the river.  I sat down, placing my bag on the grass behind me to be used as a headrest.  I closed my eyes.

I must have drifted off because I twitched aggressively before my eyes opened.  Plus, as further proof of my further, I realized there was some drool dangling on the outside of the left corner of my mouth.  I wiped my mouth and rubbed my eyes.  I looked at my watch.  It was only a few minutes, but it felt like I had been laying there for a day.  I got up and headed back towards the cafe.

I could barely see as I crossed the street.  The sun was blinding and my eyes were sensitive from their recent slumber.  But it was a slow day in a slow town, so I didn't worry about getting hit by a car.  I made it across the street and opened the door to what I thought was the cafe.

It didn't take me long to realize that I had made a mistake.  I could feel eyes on me from all angles.  I slowly regained my vision in the less severe lighting of the room.  I scanned from left to right.  A stuffed deer angrily stared me down.  A man behind the bar gave me a confused, annoyed look.  The woman to my right informed me that they were closed.  I'm sorry, I said, as I noticed several more people frantically cleaning and preparing for what looked like a busy evening ahead.  I was embarrassed.  I turned and started for the door.  When I reached the door, I noticed a sign in the window conveying that they had just opened.

I turned around and asked the man in front of me if they were hiring.  He tapped the shoulder of the woman to his right.  She looked at him and he pointed toward me with raised eyebrows.  I asked her if they were hiring.  She smirked an exhausted smirk and told me to follow her.

We sat down at one of the booths of the bar.  I didn't know what to say, so I was honest.  I told her that I had no experience behind the bar, or in restaurants, but that I could learn quickly.  I had just graduated from a good university.

"What did you study?" the woman asked, giving away her Australian accent.

"Philosophy."

"Philosophy, eh?  Nice.  Practical choice."

"Thank you."

"I'm sorry.  That was rude of me.  My husband actually studied philosophy.  I like to tease him about it.  He actually runs the bar here.  I manage the restaurant upstairs."

"Oh, cool.  Is that him behind the bar?"

She laughed.  "No, thank god.  He will be here tomorrow. Listen, you seem like a smart kid.  We're in need some of help behind the bar.  Why don't you come back tomorrow.  Five o'clock.  White dress shirt, black tie, blue jeans.  We'll see if you fit."

"Really?  That would be great!  Thank you so much!  Tomorrow, five o'clock!"

I started that next day and worked the next day, and the day after that.  Before I knew it, I was working four to five nights a week.  It was stressful at first.  I had to study the cocktails in my spare time.  But I caught on quickly.  And the money was good.  I was able to cover rent, food and other expenses.   But even though I interacted with dozens of customers each night, I still hadn't made any meaningful connections.

Each night I'd come home around three a.m. to my dog, Gus, anxiously awaiting my arrival.  He was always made me feel at home.  Each night, however, it took a solid two hours before I could unwind after work.  Two to three glasses of whiskey, preferably Scotch, typically did the trick, although not always.  Some nights the sun would approach before I could drift off.  The noises of people starting their daily grind would creep up into my studio apartment, keeping me awake.  Despite my dog's companionship, I still felt alone.

As I laid on my back staring at the ceiling, exhausted but unable to sleep, I thought of that blinking red light.  I rolled over and noticed it coming from the kitchen.  It had been a month since I'd even noticed it.  That fucking phone.  I was still puzzled.  It finally occurred to me that there must be a reason why it was blinking.  Is there a message?

I clicked the play message button.

Virginia, if this is your number, this is your old friend Vic.  I'm returning your call.  My telephone number you have, but Ill give it to you again, 944-1037.  I'm uh very happy to hear from you.  I was wondering, er, looking for you.  Of course, I'm visually impaired like you, I can't see - haha - too good if you're errmental er not, but I've asked a few people aboutcha.  

Anyway, uh, if you wanna come up here this afternoon, I'll be here this afternoon, and I'll be here Saturday and Sunday afternooon, and right after lunch, so you're welcome to come up, you and your girlfriend, all ya gotta do is come in the front entrance of the Vet's Home, and right in the front of Section B there's a ramp, come up that ramp, and go into the lobby and take a left, or once you get into the lobby just ask anyone there and they'll tell you where we are.  Thank you so much for calling. It was very sweet of you to call. 

The answering machine let out a beep and then proclaimed, "end of messages."  I looked at Gus with a sad puzzled look.  He was looking back at me with a similarly sad and puzzled expression.

The sun was already up.  There was no way I was getting any sleep.  Especially not now.  My mind was racing after listening to the voicemail.  Who was this man?  Who was Virginia?  She must have been the previous tenant.  Or maybe he had the wrong number.  The man sounded very old and very sweet.  His voice sounded weak and he sounded lonely.  How long ago was this message left here?  Maybe I could still reconnect them.

I picked up the phone.  There was no dial tone.  This made sense.  I hadn't paid a phone bill in my month living here.  I picked up my cell phone and dialed the number.  I wasn't exactly sure why, but I felt compelled to do this.

"Hello," answered a tired, small voice.

"Hi, is this Vic?"

"Yea, it's me," he answered, following a few throat clearing coughs.

"I'm sorry to wake you."

"You didn't wake me.  I've been up since 3 am.  My voice always sounds like this.  I'm old."

There was an extended silence.  I let out a nervous chuckle.

"Who is this anyway?  Jimmy?"

"No, I apologize again.  You don't know me, but I'm returning your call of sorts.  You see, you left a voicemail on my answering machine, well, it's not my answering machine, it was left here when I moved in and..."

"Son," Vic interrupted, "you're gonna have to speak up.  I can't hear a damn thing."

I wished I would have given this some thought before I picked up the phone.  How do I explain this?  I shouldn't have called.  But I continued, I had to.  "I'm sorry," I spoke up.  "I'm not sure how to explain this, but I think you were trying to reach someone else but instead you called and left a message with me.  Virginia?  I think you were trying to reach..."

"Virginia Moon?  Oh, sweet Virginia Moon.  Bless her heart," he let out a big sigh.

"Yes...  Um, I'm sorry to say that your message never reached her."

"Son, I know."

More silence. I didn't know what to say.  "You do?"

"Virginia died three years ago."

Suddenly, I somehow felt responsible for this, for his pain and for Virginia's death.  Obviously, I didn't know Virginia, or this man who I was now speaking with, but somehow I felt responsible for the sadness he was now reliving.  I had disturbed his peace to dig up old wounds.  I wanted to do something to fix it.  He sounded so fragile yet feisty.

"I'm so sorry, sir."

"Oh, it's fine.  Three years is a long time."

"I just thought I'd try to connect you with the person you were trying to..."

"So you must be over at the Mount Avenue studio?"  He clearly wanted to move on.

"Yea, I've been here about a month."

"Nice, isn't it?  And what's your name?"

"My name is John."

"Nice to meet you, John.  I'm Vic.  I live over at the Vet's home.  The Veteran's home next to the golf course, ya know.  Just a few blocks from you.  Been here a while now."

In struggling over what to say next, I noticed Gus was getting anxious.  He was staring at the door, pacing and wagging his tail.  He was telling me that he was ready for his walk and that he had some business to take care of.   He barked.

"Well, Vic, it was nice to meet you, but I better run.  My dog is dying to get outside," I said, hurriedly.

"Oh, of course. What kind of dog do you have, by the way?"

"He's a black lab."

"Ahhh, lab's are great dogs.  Well, listen John, old folks like me don't talk to young folks like yourself all too often.  And, I'll tell you what, it wasn't half bad," he let out a good laugh that turned into three deep coughs.  He took a deep breath, "and since you called a stranger to ask a question, I'm wanna ask you one: would you do me a favor?"

"Sure," I responded quickly and unexpectedly trustfully.

"Are you going to take your dog for a walk right now?" he asked in a high-pitched and innocent tone.

"Yea, I was going to take him around the block." I was puzzled.

"Are you a reader?"

"Yea, I love to read."

"And you're young, so I know you watch the movies."

"Yepp."

"Well, John, I've been in this place for twenty some-odd years and I've just about read and watched every damned thing we've got in here.  And I can't go to the bookstore on my own anymore, and the place where I used to rent movies went out of business years ago."

I was beginning to figure out what he was asking for.  "Do you want me to bring you a book or a movie?"

"I hate to ask.  But if you were already going to be out.  You wouldn't mind extending your walk and letting me borrow a book and a movie from you?"

"No, that's not a problem.  Do you have a preference?"

"John, thank you, son.  Just bring the best book and movie you've enjoyed recently.  I'm not picky."

We hung up.  I grabbed a book and a movie off the shelf.  I looked for Gus's leash and upon finding it he absolutely couldn't stand it anymore.  He yipped, whimpered and shook his body uncontrollably.  Calm down, buddy.  We're going.  We're going!

I know that, objectively, I should have probably been a little more cautious and less trusting--I mean, all of the sudden I am personally delivering entertainment to an old man who I have never met before--but, subjectively, I was just as excited as Gus.  There was something about the way Vic spoke that was warm.  I mean, his message to Virginia was sweet.  Plus, there's something about him being a veteran that instilled trust too.  His voice was how I imagined my grandfather's.

After all, I was the one who called him.  Maybe he should be the one who is a little creeped out.  But he seemed unfazed.  The man was just in desperate need for some entertainment.  More than anything, he was probably in need of some company.

Well, I guess that made two of us.

We'll See

Just over a year ago, Tracy and I laid on our backs in Yountville, staring at the ceiling with thoughts swirling.  Tracy had just accepted my proposal.  We were going to get married.  Married.  We were ecstatic.  This changed everything.  We shared a bottle of wine and called family.  The joy was contagious and overwhelming.  

We tried to sleep.  Because the lead up to the proposal left me exhausted, I crashed.  Because of Tracy being blindsided by my proposal, she couldn't sleep.  We knew there was still so much to do in the next year.  Finish school, the bar exam, plan a wedding, find jobs.  But we felt reassured knowing we were going through it together.  

Last night, we laid on our backs in the same place, staring again at the ceiling wondering how it all happened so fast.  Where did the year go?  Did this all really happen?  

All of it did happen.  We finished law school.  We took the bar exam.  We got married.  We found (temporary) jobs.  It was our year.  The wedding was magical.  The honeymoon was perfect.  The Giants won the World Series.  My skeeball team won the brewskeeball championship.  We've started settling in on our own, in a town that we love.  We seemed invincible.  There was only one more hurdle and we felt confident in our vertical.  

But last night, the rug was pulled out from under us.  This time I was the one who was blindsided.  But instead of a marriage proposal, it was a denial that blindsided me.  

"This applicant was not successful in passing the bar exam," read the screen in bold red letters.  It had to be a mistake.  Maybe I didn't type the numbers in correctly.  I tried again.  ID Number: 5969.  File #: 419897.  "This applicant was not successf...." I couldn't look.  I didn't prepare for this.  Neither did Tracy.  She typed in my numbers just in case.  Same result.  

She then typed in her numbers as I looked over her shoulder.  In bold green letters read, "This applicant was successful in passing the bar exam."  We both cried.  She wanted it to be me.  I wanted it to be her. I felt her success.  She felt my pain. 

The night was equally beautiful and painful. Half of me passed and half of her didn't.  

While I laid awake last night, this fable kept reoccurring in my head:

An old farmer who needs his horse to plow the land and grow crops discovers that his horse has disappeared. His neighbors lament for him, “Oh how terrible. You will have such hardship.” The old farmer looked at them and simply said, “We’ll see.” 

The horse returned with a mare and all the neighbors said, “Oh how lucky you are. You now have two horses.” The farmer contemplated and said, “We’ll see.” 

The farmer’s son rode the feisty, new mare, fell off and broke his leg. “Oh how dreadful,” the neighbors said. “You’ll lose a hand to work the land.” Again the farmer shrugged and said, “We’ll see.” 

Finally some soldiers came to the farmer’s house looking for army recruits. When they saw the son’s broken leg, they let him be.

There's still so much to grapple with.  I'm not sure what it all means.  I'm not sure if this a sign that this is not my calling, that maybe I'm supposed to do something else.  Maybe one attorney in the family is plenty.  Who knows.  Tracy always did better than me in law school.  I had to fight tooth and nail just to stay afloat in law school.  It was never easy.  

Or maybe it means something entirely different. Maybe it means that I am supposed to be a lawyer, but one who's had to take a winding path.  Maybe I just have to dust myself off and keep fighting...

We'll see.  

I don't have to figure that out right now.  For now, I am continually reminded of how much there is to be grateful for.  Health, family, friends, my wife, free legal representation.  In the end, I'm confident that this is something I'll be grateful for.  I'm just not sure when, how, or why that will be.

We'll see.  

It rained all night.  But when I woke up around 10 after a fitful night of sleep, there was a break in the rain.  Tracy and I threw on our running clothes and ran through the vineyards of Yountville.  The clouds were moving quickly and the sun fought to break through.  As we ran, we talked and talked and talked.  When we got to the end of the run before we loop back, we started to feel a sense of peace and acceptance.  We walked and caught our breath.  Tracy grabbed my arm and stopped.  She pointed to the left, above the vineyards and just before the foothills.  We had never seen a more perfect rainbow.  Vibrant colors and a perfect shape.  We could see both the beginning and the end of it.  What does it mean?

We'll see.

Come With Me

This story starts with a question and ends with a question.  One from an inquiring grandmother, the other from a nervous grandson. 

But actually, it starts much earlier than that.

The year is 1913.   The day, June 13.   The day my grandfather entered the world.   His father—my great-grandfather—a Congressman from Illinois, wanted to commemorate the day.   He bought a ring for his wife.  The ring had thirteen diamonds in it. 

I never met my great-grandfather, or my great-grandmother.  And while my grandfather had met me, I don’t recall meeting him.  He died when I was only one.  I wish it were otherwise.  But I know his wife and daughters pretty well.  And because of them, his life, and the ring used to commemorate his life, changed mine.

I remember the phone call vividly.  It was August 2011.  I was just wrapping up the last few weeks of my summer internship.  I called home on a Sunday evening to catch up with my folks.  I don’t remember the first half of the conversation, but my memory of the conversation kicks in upon overhearing my dad ask my mom, “Should we tell him about Grandma?”  Oh, no, I thought.  Gram is sick.  But before my thoughts could spiral any further, I heard my mom chuckle. 

“Is Tracy around?” she asked.  “Yea, she’s in the other room,” I responded quickly.   “Okay,” she said in a hushed voice, “I visited Gram today, and I have a story for you…”

“What are Doug’s intentions?” Gram asked bluntly.

“I don’t know, Mom,” my mom responded, almost annoyed.  “I know that he loves Tracy very much and talks about the future with her.”  She knew this bought her some time, but not much.

My mom was on her weekly Saturday visit with Gram.   They had just come back from lunch and were sitting around watching golf in Gram’s apartment.  My grandma had become relentlessly curious about Tracy and my relationship in the preceding weeks.  There was a family wedding a few weeks prior that started it all.

Arrangements.  Where would Doug and Tracy stay for the wedding?  Gram had to know.  Where would Tracy sleep?  Would she have her own room? My mom would tell a few fibs to try to buy some time.  But she couldn’t keep it up forever.  She finally broke down and confessed. 

“They’re living together, Mom.  They have been for almost a year.”  A few moments of silence followed.  “Well, it sure is a different time,” Gram said, somewhat sadly.  And that was it.  Or at least that’s what we thought.

“Well, are they going to get married?” Gram asked on that Saturday afternoon, driving her point like a prosecutor on cross-exam.   

My mom squirms in her chair.  “Yes, Mom.  Yes, I think they will get married,” exasperated.  There! There you have it!

Gram takes a moment to consider my mother’s words.  Then she slowly lifts her arms, puts a hand on each arm of her chair, and begins to rise.  “Come with me,” she says. 

I came home two months later for a family-friends’ wedding.  It was early October. This time Tracy stayed up in San Francisco.  Therefore, Gram didn’t have to fuss over arrangements.  Instead, she had other things on her mind. 

“Well, I have the ring,” Gram says in a let’s-not-waste-time-with-formalities tone. 

We had just sat down for lunch.  I hadn’t even put the dressing on my salad.  I smiled and chuckled, unsure of what to say.  She smiled back and then started in on her navy bean soup.   We talked about golf, the books she’s read lately, and the last dumb movie she saw.  She gave me an update on all of my aunts, uncles, and cousins.   Then the food was gone and it was time to walk over to her apartment. 

We walk out of the Garden’s Dining Hall and make for the path toward Gram’s apartment.  Gram waives and says hello to a few senior passerby’s, knowing each by name.  Just before we arrive at Gram’s apartment, she slows and looks over at me. 

“So when are you going to give it to her?”

“Gosh, I’m not sure yet, Gram,” I say, fumbling for the right words.  

Thinking for a moment, she looks ahead and then again at me. “Well, does she have a birthday coming up?”

“Yes, actually.  Her birthday is next week.” 

“Well, that sounds like a perfect time to give it to her,” not wasting a second.   

I laugh as we open the door to her apartment.  We walk in and she sets her walker to the side.  “Come with me…”

I follow her to the back room of her apartment.  She walks over toward her dresser and pulls open the top drawer.   She reaches her hand in and pulls out a small box.  She opens the box.  With the look of a proud parent handing over her baby to be held, she handed the box over to me.  I wasfloored.  The ring was stunning.

Gram proceeded to tell me the story behind the ring.  My great-grandfather bought it for my great-grandmother to celebrate the birth of my grandfather.  The ring had 13 diamonds in it because my grandfather, Bill Gorman, was born on June 13, 1913.  My great-grandmother wore the ring until she died, and then she passed it on to her daughter, who wore the ring for a few years but never felt right about it.  She felt as though the ring should belong to Mary, my grandmother, because the ring was initially given to celebrate Bill’s birth in 1913.  About thirty or forty years ago, she gave the ring to Gram, who has had the ring ever since. 

I had known for quite some time before this moment that I would ask Tracy to marry me.  But I never thought about how or when I would do it, let alone what ring I would propose with.  But all of the sudden, I knew.  Sitting in Gram’s living room, I knew my whole world had completely changed.  My thoughts were spiraling from complete conviction to fear.  I felt like I was simultaneously floating and sinking.  My thoughts spiraled. 

“When did you say Tracy’s birthday was, Doug?” Gram asked, never losing sight of the mission.

“It’s next Thursday, October 13^th.”

“The 13^th?  Well, I think that’s an omen!”

I think so, Gram.  I think so.

This Blog Still Exists

This website has been "under construction" since the end of May while the author attempted to become a lawyer.  This attempt consumed most of the author's time.  But rest assured, this blog still exists. 

At the end of May, the author returned from the Brewskeeball National Championship in New York, licked his wounds from the crushing defeat, and dove straight into Bar exam preparation.  He also moved back in with his parents - another crushing loss of which he is still licking his wounds.  (He is looking for a place.)  He is also getting married in just a few months.  This is all to say that there is much to write and much to share.  So stick around.  

Lastly, we also want you to know that during this period of "construction" we, the editing team, have done absolutely nothing to improve this website.  Thanks for your continued support. 

- Editor's Note

The Origin of Skeecies

My flight departs at 6:55 am on Thursday morning and of course I push it.  Of course I was forced to scramble and sprint to be one of the last to board.  How else was this weekend supposed to start? This is the weekend, of course, that I fly to New York to compete in the Brewskeeball National Championships. 

Skeeball.  The game that is most commonly associated with Chuckee Cheese restaurants for west coasters, or Cony Island for east coasters.  It’s a game that is most likely associated with faint childhood memories. 

You're five.  You’re with your friends at your friend’s birthday party.  You’re stuffed with pie and sugar.  How does this experience get even better, you ask yourself.  That’s when you see them.  There they are, lit up on the other side of the restaurant, begging to be played.  You see the tickets and the toys.  You’re dying to play.  You run over to your mom and ask for some quarters, please, please pleassseee… You get the quarters and you roll the balls up the lane, off the ramp and into the numbered pockets.  The joy, the excitement, it’s all consuming.  You and your buddies pinky-promise to have every birthday party here, forever. 

The birthday parties come and go.  You lose track of some friends, and you gain new ones.  Less and less of the parties take place at Chuckee Cheese, unfortunately, as was initially promised.  Twenty years later and you have all but forgotten about those childhood endeavors.  Instead, more recent memories have all but taken their place, leaving just a flicker of nostalgia about an innocence lost.  Then, in the most unlikely way, and during the most necessary of times, that lost innocence is found, at the bottom of a pint glass at the Buckshot Bar and Gameroom in San Francisco.

I had just started my first few days of law school at USF.  I had moved from Southern California to a tiny studio apartment in the Richmond District of San Francisco.  I didn’t know anyone.  I was very excited, but equally nervous. 

The first friend I made in San Francisco was a guy named Dave.  He was a few years older than me and bore an uncanny resemblance to Matt Damon.  We had all the same classes together, we noticed.  We first met out in front of the school.  I went outside in between classes to make a phone call.  I noticed Dave was also outside.  It was just the two of us.  I saw him look over.  I decided to forgo the phone call and introduce myself to Dave.  After a few moments of awkward conversation, I realized we could be friends.  (I have a thing for Matt Damon.) 

Over the next few days of school, Dave and I hang out a lot, sitting next to each other in practically every class.  With the weekend approaching, we set some plans.  I tell him that my Dad recommended a bar near my apartment named the Buckshot that is supposed to be good fun.  (My Dad had learned of this bar from one of his 30 year-old colleagues who used to live in the Richmond District.) 

We meet at the Buckshot on a Friday night.  Neither of us had ever come across a bar like this.  Deer heads lined every slab of the walls.  Stuffed birds hung from the ceiling.  The few small TV screens played Japanese horror films. The kitchen served burgers and chicken fried bacon.  The smell of garlic and beer permeated throughout.

We sit at the bar and order a drink.  Our drinks are downed before we know it.  We swivel around on our barstools so we can take in the whole bar.  A pool table, a shuffle board table, and, and… on the right side of the bar, two glimmering skeeball machines.  We both laugh, unable to contain our smiles.  “Wanna give it a shot?” one of us asks.  “Yea, why not.”

The Buckshot became of a staple of our weekends during that first semester, especially as we gained more friends and brought them to our promise land.  In particular, our new law school friends, Nick and Ryan, instantly became infatuated with the bar and the skeeball fun. There was rarely a weekend where we didn’t at least stop by for a drink and roll a game of skeeball.  It was our refuge, our Mecca.  But as I sit aboard the Virgin Airlines flight to New York for the Brewskeeball National Championship, with Nick a few rows behind me, Ryan a few flights behind us, and Dave already in New York, I think it’s fair to say that none of us could have imagined what happened over the next two and a half years.

It wasn’t until our friend Robin brought it to our attention, during our second semester of school, that there was a “skeeball league” at Buckshot.  Laughter was the unanimous response.  But Robin, after having a few stellar performances on the skeeball lanes one weekend night, wanted to take her skills to the next level and join the league.  “Brewskeeball” is what the league was called, Robin explained.  In order to enter to league, you had to form a team of three (or more, if you want alternates, but only three can compete in a match), come up with a witty team name, and $60.  We decided we would join. 

The six of us—Dave, Nick, Ryan, Robin, Ted, and I—formed a team and became the “Notorious Skee.I.G.”  We decided to be a team of six so we wouldn’t have to show up every Sunday night, but could alternate instead—three per match. 

[This is as good a time as any to explain how the game works.  It’s a rather simple game logistically, but it can get confusing if not explained properly.  And in order to understand the more “technical” language later, it is necessary to start with basics and move from there…

Step 1: Walk up to the lane and put a dollar bill into the slot.  Down the chute on the right side of the machine come nine wooden balls—bigger than a baseball, smaller than a softball.

Step 2:  Roll the ball, one at a time, up the lane, off the ramp, and into a numbered pocket—preferably the 40 or 50 pocket, but we’ll get to that later.

Step 3:  Repeat step 2 until you’ve rolled all nine balls.

Step 4:  Find your score being shown in bright red numbers on top of the machine.  The higher score the better.  This score is called “a frame”

Step 5:  Find teammate (or skeemmate) and record score on scoresheet, leaving the lane open for your competitor to try his hand.

This is essentially how a skeeball match takes place.  One team of three against the other team of three.  The highest team score at the end of ten frames wins.]

Our team, Notorious Skee-I.G., had a shaky start.  Some of us performed better under the strictures and pressure of league competition than others.  Some of us looked forward to each Sunday;, some stopped showing up altogether.  A couple weeks into the “skeeson,” and we were down to four—me, Dave, Ryan, and Nick.  This is when our scores started picking up.  The four of us started getting pretty good, all the while appreciating how ridiculous this whole thing was.  We won some matches and, at the end of the eight-week skeeson, we qualified for the playoffs.  

We won our first playoff match, and then our second.  Before we knew it we were in the semi-finals against the defending champs, “Skee-Unit.”  Putting up our highest score ever, we stunned everyone and beat Skee Unit, advancing to the finals against the powerhouse “Big Johnson’s Skeeball Team.” 

In the finals, we battled “Big Johnson” throughout the ten frames and were neck-and-neck.  At the end of the tenth frame, we thought we had won.  We celebrated.  We hugged, embraced, and took photos.  But due to a miscalculation on our part, we learned that we didn’t win, but had tied.  Since there is no such thing as a tie in Brewskeeball, there needed to be a “roll off.” Overtime.  Each of their guys would roll a game and each of us three would roll a game—highest team score total wins. 

But it wasn’t meant to be.  We ended up losing in the roll off.  But while we didn’t get to chug from the Brewskeeball Mugs, that night lit a fire in our bellies.  We could almost taste the Mugs, but the rug was pulled out from under us.  Sure, we wanted the mugs and we couldn’t wait for another attempt, but more than anything we realized that we had fallen for this game. It wasn’t just some silly thing we did.  It became more than that.  It channeled those faint memories of childhood, of being with your closest friends and making new ones. It was good, fun competition.  The weekly matches forced us to get together, even if we truly didn’t have time for it.  And in the end, as a law student, being pulled out your room and out of your head can be life saving.  Being pulled out of the bubble of law school and into the world of teachers, artists, consultants, designers, and carpenters was sanity preservation.  We became hooked. 

The last two years have rolled by quickly.  We continued to pursue the mugs and strategized all sorts of ways in which we could finally grasp them.  After investing only God knows how many dollars bills into the machines, the four of us have become scary good at the game, or sport, as I’ll refer to it from here on.  We consistently put up some of the top averages for the San Francisco league.  Along the way, Nick won the BROTY (the Best Roller Of The Year tournament).  I set a San Francisco record for most “full circles” in a skeeson at 32.  (A roller gets a full circle when he or she drills all nine balls in the 40 pocket, thus resulting in a 360; hence, a full circle.)  And, finally, this past skeeson we chugged from the long sought after mugs, achieving the dream. 

Not only have our individual averages scored in the top 10 in San Francisco, but our numbers are also some of the best in the nation.  Yes, nation.  This league crosses state lines!  There are Brewskeeball leagues in Brooklyn, New York, Austin, Texas, and Wilmington, North Carolina—each league consisting of about 70 or so rollers, give or take.

So that’s how I got on this flight.  I’m here because we all qualified for the Brewskeeball National Championship (BBNC).  This weekend we see who is the best.  We are here to settle once and for all—or just until next year—who is the best team in the country and who is the best individual roller in the country.  On Saturday, sixteen teams will compete in the World Mug Tournament at both Full Circle Bar and the Knitting Factory in Brooklyn.  On Sunday, sixty-four individual rollers will duke it out at the same venues in the Rollers Tournament to settle who is the best skeeballer in the country. 

It's absurd.  It's silly.   Trust me, I know.  But this weekend is the final hooray.  This weekend is about more than just the competition.  After graduating last weekend and moving out of my San Francisco apartment and into my parent's place in LA to study for the bar, I'm not sure where we'll all end up after this.  Dave took a job in Louisiana and leaves in a few months.  Nick is staying in SF, and Ryan is likely to stay in the city as well, but I could end up anywhere in California after the bar.  This is the last time we'll be able to do this.  

At the end of this weekend, we will walk away from a (children's) game that rekindled a childhood innocence and camaraderie that I couldn't have imagined going through law school without.  But before we do, there is still more work to be done...

De-Faced

Since deleting my Facebook account, a few of my friends have been curious as to why I left.  Some have been supportive and understanding, others less so.  Those friends who have been less supportive suggest, with scrunched faces and cocked heads, bafflement at my decision.  They convey to me that I am committing social suicide, that I am cutting myself off from the world.  When I try to convince them otherwise, they tend to walk away unconvinced.  I've taken this as a sign that, instead of being wrong, I just haven't been articulating myself well enough.

I have tried to sit down and write this a few times already, but each time I sit down, my thoughts spiral into an annoying rant.  I sound didactic, douchy, and preachy.  This is my latest attempt.  I can't promise it won't sound like a rant, or that you won't think me douchy, but I have to try.

My reasons for quitting are not revelatory.  They are most likely things that anyone who has used Facebook will have thought of at some point.  Some people more frequently than others.  In my case, I thought about them often.  So often that I couldn't do it anymore.  The positive aspects of Facebook couldn't overcome what I saw as the overwhelming negatives.

What are the negatives?  It's addicting.  It's a distraction.  It's creepy.  People say and share crazy things - often.  And I think it's making us less connected to one another.

The Addiction
I started feeling like a junky.  I would feel weird, withdrawal-like symptoms if I hadn't checked my Facebook in more than a few hours.  I would check it on my computer and my phone.  There was no place I couldn't get my fix.

The scene of Mark Zuckerburg's character at the end of "Social Network" where he sends out a friend request and seconds later is shown clicking refresh over and over again is emblematic of the addiction.  Whether it's a friend request, or a status update that is just dying for a few "likes," we've all been there, getting that jolt of excitement when that little red notification appears.


The Distraction
I often wonder how many times I've jumped on my computer with a specific goal in mind, and then thirty minutes later think to myself, what the hell just happened?  I went online to do [X].  I still haven't done [X].  (Resenting self.)  

Instead, I've learned that a college friend is in Europe while I'm in the library.  "Check out my 6,000 photos of Brussels/Amsterdam/Sweden!"  I do.  Or that a friend is in sunny Arizona watching the Giants play spring training games.  His status leads me to his page, where I scan his photos, and then see my friends who are tagged, and then click on the friends in the photos, which then leads me to their page, and then to their photos, and so on and so on.

[I graduate in a few weeks and will then spend the summer studying for the bar exam.  The less distractions the better.]

The Shit
The incessant updates.  The person you just can't seem to get out of your news feed.  The bad politics.  The image projections.  The photos of people you thought (and hoped) you'd never see again.   You know what I mean.

I'd often log on and feel the need to shower immediately.

Sure, you can "block" people, but I found that the moment I tried blocking someone, another, stronger force of shit appears.  And what, de-friend them?  No chance.  What if you run into that person?  It's happened.  It's painful.

The Creepiness Factor
I'm not sure when it happened, but I think it was more of a cumulative escalation.  Facebook wasn't always so creepy.  People weren't able to track you, or your every move, down so quickly.  Every comment of yours on someone else's photo or wall didn't appear in someone else's news feed.

The timeline was the final straw.  The past six years of my activity on Facebook accessible to people who I haven't talked to once or haven't talked to since middle school?  I'd rather not.

And it's not just the creepiness of other people that concerned me.  My own feelings of creepiness were troubling.

How do I know this about this person?  Is it really healthy for me to have this much information about someone I met once?  Or haven't even met?!  Should I really be looking at their photos from their most recent vacation to Hawaii?

Probably not.  But I did it anyway.  And you do too.

The Disconnection
Becoming more and more connected to one another through social networking sites like Facebook, are we actually feeling more connected to each other?  Or does it have the opposite effect?  Do these sites actually separate us and create a false sense of connection?  Since college, I've been convinced that this issue would be the theme of our generation.

Within the past few years, through Facebook, I felt like I knew more information about my friends - where they were and what  they were doing - but less and less about them at the same time.  It was easier to keep tabs on everyone.  But I noticed that as we all started using Facebook more frequently, other forms of communication or interaction dropped off.  Less phone calls were made. We spoke less and hung out even less.  Why call someone to see what they are up to or how they have been when you can just look at their most recent status update or photo album?

Within the past few weeks the New Yorker and the Atlantic ran big stories on this issue.  The consensus is that Facebook is having a huge impact on society.  Some say it is making us lonelier, others say that it all depends on how it is used.  If people use Facebook as a tool for getting together with people face-to-face, then it is good for us.  But most people don't, and the effects have been pretty clear.  More of us are living alone and more of us are becoming lonelier.

God, this has been a depressing post.

Happy!
When I quit Facebook, I said that my shorthand reason for logging off was that I felt I would be happier and that I would be a better friend.  How have I fared?

My theory was that I would be happier because I would seek people out more.  Instead of feeling like I had already had enough of people after a few minutes of "news-feeding," maybe I would try to spend time with the people I care about.  Maybe I would call my friends and family more often.  Or if not call, then write a personal email - no more of the mutual stalking.  Maybe I would try to arrange things with friends.  Maybe I would read more thoughtful articles and essays instead of aimless floating around Facebook.

After more than a few weeks, I can say that I'm definitely happier.  As far as being a better friend?  I don't know.  You'll have to ask them.

This all being said, you can now follow me on Twitter!

What?!

We Did It!

It's been a long and difficult journey over these past three years. There have been many ups and downs. There have been times where self-doubt and cynicism have overcome any glimmer of faith and hope. It has not been easy. 

There have been many failures, and just enough victories to keep us going. But we kept our heads down and continued to pursue our goal. 

The days were long and the nights were often sleepless. But all the hard work finally paid off. 

Last night, we won the Brewskeeball Mug Tournament! 

(What?  You thought I was talking about law school?!)

Big numbers were put up all night on Championship Sunday.

Lane 1 (left) was more kind to us than Lane 2 (right) thoughout the night.

"Balls Quiet on the Western Front" intently watches the final roll.

"Johnny Haze" of "Skeenut Butter and Jelly Time" needed to put up a 480 to tie in the final roll, a 490 to win.

The victors embrace.

Both teams embrace, embodying the essence of SKEE (Spirit, Kinship, Esteem, and Excellence).

The dream realized. Skeeson XII Champs.

"Gene Parmesan" tasting victory.

World record chug by "The Cautious Rancher."

"Old Balls" had the dual task of drinking both his beer and his own tears.

The best photo.

We might vomit.

In the upcoming weeks, when law school is over, I intend to write a detailed history (historskee?) of our love affair with skeeball - from our humble beginnings to our rise to prominence. 

Furthermore, my financer (mother) is flying me out to New York over Memorial Day weekend to both cover and participate in the Brewskeeball National Championship in New York.

Passing It On

I started and finished the race in a dead sprint.  It started that way because of my stupidity.  It ended that way because my manliness was called into question.  And then, I nearly face-planted.

Pre-Race
It's not that I woke up late.  I just didn't take into account how long everything takes between the drive, the bathroom pit-stops, the changing into and out of clothes, the registration, the transition station set up, and the wetsuit.  We pulled into Granite Bay State Park in Folsom, Ca at 8:20am.  The clouds were parting and the sun was breaking through.  The air had a strong chill, but the warmth of the sun had a calming effect on my nerves.  The race began at 9:00, but I was in no rush.

I took my time gathering everything from the heap of a laundry bin that had become the back of our car.  Bag full of biking gear?  Check.  Towels?  Check.   Spandex?  Check.  Wetsuit?  Got it.  Everything seems to be in order.

I pull my head out and look to my left to see my cousin Jenny and Jonathan.  We embrace and shoot the breeze for a minute. The first thing Jonathan wants to see are my legs.  Earlier in the week I told them they were shaved.  But I lied, hoping that, this being his first triathlon and all, he would follow suit.  He didn't.  (Personally, I think he would have if he didn't have a bad case of poison oak on his left side.)  Jenny and Jonathan had been at Granite Bay for at least an hour already.  Jonathan had his transition station set up and was looking ready to roll.

I get back to getting everything in order.  Then we head over to transition station to set up.  Jonathan had carved out a nice spot for me right next to him.  Tracy helps me organize while I run over to go check-in.  I look down at my watch and see that it's 8:50.  I have ten minutes before the race starts.  Panic has not set in but is clearly on the horizon.  I'm not in my wetsuit yet.  I haven't checked in.

I run across the parking lot to the registration booth.  I line up (there's no line at this time, obviously) under the "Last Name R-Z" sign.  I tell the woman working, let's call her Nancy, in a hurried voice, that I need to register.  Nancy gives me an odd look.  I take this as her judging me for being here so late.  Noted.  Then she hands me two forms to fill out.  In scrambled thoughts, I do not question this but just try to fill it out as quickly as possible.  I figured they were just your standard release of liability forms.  It takes me more than a few minutes to fill out, my scribble becoming less and less intelligible as time burns.  I look up and see a different woman at the desk.  I hand the woman, let's call her Linda, the forms and she looks it over.

"Okay, that will be $110 dollars please," Linda says.

"Oh, no. See, I've already paid.  I registered online," I plead.

Linda rips the forms in half and gives me a look like I just called her daughter a fatty.  "You needed to check in, not register.  You need to go over there."

I shuffle over and find Nancy.  She asks what's wrong.  I tell her that I already registered online.  Nancy apologizes, realizing the miscommunication.  A few seconds later, I hear Linda, who's a few feet away with her back turned to me, telling her co-worker something.

"Apparently, that guy can't read!" says Linda, with the tone of a bitchy eighth-grader.  I see Linda's co-worker give her a "he's standing right there" look.  Linda turns around and sees me.  She starts walking away with an embarrassed look.  I wanted to pull her hair and call her mean names.  But instead, with Linda still in earshot, I accept Nancy's apology and tell her, "it's not your fault.  I can't read."

I'm finally checked-in.  I grab get my goodie-bag and race numbers, one for each leg of the event.  I sprint over to the transition station where Tracy is helping to organize.  It's 8:57.

"Three minutes until race time!" the man on the PA painfully reminds me.  I don't say a word to Tracy.  I start slathering Body Glide all over my legs, arms, and wrists, so the tight wetsuit can slide on easier and faster.  It does.

"One minute till race time!" booms the voice from the PA.

I slide my booties over my feet, grab my head warmer and goggles.  I give Tracy a smooch and she wishes me luck. I start sprinting down the hill toward the Lake.  

The Swim
Apparently, the guy on the PA was lying.  It was more like two minutes until the race started.  When I got down to the lake, amazingly, Jonathan and Jenny were the first two I saw.  We snapped a few photos and began dialing in.  The look of intensity on Jonathan's face helped me appreciate the moment.  I thought to myself that's how I must have looked last year.  But then I realized that part of where that look came from was knowing what we both learned a few months ago.  A few months ago, the Washington Post published an article about recent deaths in triathlon.  The article detailed a few recent deaths that have taken place during the swim leg of the event and how they have been related to cold water, unclear water, and panic attacks.  Not having done another triathlon since reading this article in November, I felt the anxiety sit hard in the pit of my stomach.  Knowing that Jonathan had also read this article before having done a triathlon, I could only imagine where his thoughts were.  (Especially since the person who had sent us this article was watching us from shore.)  At least I knew what to expect.  But even then, the swim kept me up at night.  We resolved to take a slow start and stay together during the swim.

The whistle blew and everyone took off.  As planned, we hung back a bit and treaded slowly into the icy 48-degree water, letting the vets lead the way.   The two of us learned quickly, that once your head ducks into that cold of water, all thoughts of plan - or simply having any thoughts at all - go to shit. Within our first few strokes in the icy water, we had already lost track of each other.  Between swallowing the choppy water when coming up for breath, the hyperventilation that automatically kicks in, the inevitable fogging of your goggles, the clamoring under, over and between your fellow swimmers, and the fact that every swimmer looks exactly the same, we quickly found it was impossible to swim together.

Once my breathing finally calmed from the initial shock of the cold, I was able to keep my head fully immersed in the water and settle into a normal swim stroke, coming up for air on my right side every other stroke.  I attribute much of this quick adaptation to the cold to the ridiculous-looking hoodie head-warmer I purchased a few days before the race.  (Imagine a 1920's football player's helmet but instead of leather it is made of mesh insulating material.)  The booties on my feet were quite helpful too.    In settling into a good pace, I found myself drifting to the right-side of the pack.  This gave me some freedom from the group and stiller water to swim through.  Before I knew it, I noticed the group moving closer to me.  They were funneling closer and closer together into somewhat of a traffic jam.  I looked up and realized we were rounding the orange buoy.

After rounding the buoy and feeling the field open up again, it finally hit me:  I'm doing a fucking triathlon.  Arriving at the race late and literally sprinting to the starting line had provided me with no time to think about the race or its significance.  I couldn't get too amped or too nervous.  It was like getting the call to pinch hit when the pitcher was already in his wind-up.  No real strategy, just reaction.

As I head for the shore, and catch glimpses of the warm sun on each right turn for air, one calm stroke at a time, I appreciate how far I had come from last year.

The Bike
There is no better feeling than feet on sand.  Honestly, I think the race could end right after the swim and most of us would be happy and proud.  But of course it doesn't.  So we enjoy the moment for a minute and then start running and stripping onward to the transition station.

When I got to my bike, noticing that Jonathan's bike was still here, I took my time changing out of my wetsuit and into my biking gear.  I wanted to make sure Jonathan had made it out of the lake in one piece before I took off.  A few minutes later, as I buckled the strap to my helmet and grabbed my bike off the rack, I saw Jonathan heading toward me in his half-stripped wetsuit.  The look on his face conveyed what we were all feeling, like he had just gotten punched in the stomach while experiencing a horrendous brainfreeze.  Or in his words, "That was the most horribly cool thing I've ever done in my life!"

I hopped on my bike and headed toward the trail.  Within seconds, I was treading through deep puddles of mud surrounded by trees.  Here we go again, I thought.  A repeat of last year.   A 16-mile trail ride that in effect equals 22 or 24 miles due to the conditions.  The few days leading up to the event had experienced some hard rain, but I convinced myself that in no way could it be like last year, where it rained for two weeks straight leading up to the event.

I took my time with the first few climbs and descents, thinking that I will need every ounce of energy just to get through the ride.  Each drop in, or each turn, I mentally anticipated a swamp that I'd need to drive through, making sure I took the right angle into each pit.  But each time I anticipated the worst, I got something much better in return.  Maybe a quick mud puddle or no puddle at all.  Imagine that?  On the first 8-mile lap I kept telling myself, just wait for it.  Just wait.  There will be a tire-derailing rut packed with mud waiting to grab your tire and pull you to the ground.  So don't get cocky.  I didn't.  But by the time I hit the second lap, I realized that my worries were in vain.  It was all fine, nowhere near as bad as last year.  Now?  Enjoy this shit.

Just as I'm making my second lap and turning up the energy, I hear a voice yell from behind me, "Hey Anchorsteam!"  I figured it was a guy who was just really into Anchorsteam.  So I gave a nod in acknowledgement.  But as the person rode up alongside me, I realized it was Jonathan!  I was pumped. I was impressed with how much time he made up on the ride.

The next few minutes we set a great pace together with him leading the way and the guy who he was following throughout the first lap in front of him.  The trail narrowed and I followed close behind.

The trail took a sharp right turn into a descent.  We leaned into the turn and dropped in, gaining speed for the uphill climb that ensued.  The sound of gears changing, pedals squeaking, and accelerated breaths drowned out the songs of the birds in the trees.

When our bikes became more and more vertical as the hill escalated, we each searched to find the right gear.  In doing so, I hear Jonathan yell, "Shit!"  I redirect my bike to the right of him and he nearly falls off his bike the left.  I realize that his chain slipped.  "You alright?  Need anything?" I ask.  "Fine! Go ahead!" Jonathan responds.  I keep climbing.  Moments later I pass the guy who was ahead of Jonathan.  Now having a sense of the terrain on this second 8-mile lap, I take advantage of my newfound confidence and hit each turn harder and each hill faster.  On the downhills, I feel like a downhill skier traversing trees and moguls.  On the uphills, my pedals fly and my breath pants like I'm climbing Everest.  The rest of the ride I spend alone.

This is one of the amazing things about competing in these Xterra events.  The amount of time a racer can spend alone during the race is so unique to Xterra.  I've never run a full marathon, but any photo I've ever see of a friend or family member running one, there is always a ton of people surrounding the runner, either those participating in the race or those cheering for the runners on the sidelines.  Xterra races take place in relative obscurity.  There is one or two photographers set up somewhere on the trail and the support staff is pretty much relegated to a half-mile radius around the transition station.  I find this to be one of the best and worst things about these races.

This solitude is great because of the opportunity it presents for reflection.  You can reflect on all the training that took place in preparation for the race or the things you overcame in order to get to this point.  Or you can appreciate the beauty of the ever-changing tree-covered landscape and the sun reflecting off the lake and mountains.  But I'm immediately reminded of the downsides of this solitude when I make my final stretch and see Tracy, her parents, and Jenny cheering me through the final stretch and onto the run.

The Run
I planned on running in my Vibrams.  But my feet never recovered from the cold swim.  When I clipped out of my bike and took off my biking shoes, I still couldn't feel my feet.  They never had a chance to recover because every half mile throughout the ride there was a puddle that couldn't be avoided, and, as a result, my feet never dried.   As I made the decision at the transition station to go with my running shoes instead, Jonathan was just pulling up on his bike.  He saw that I was going with the running shoes.  Needless to say, with me being an influence behind him getting Vibrams in the first place, he was disappointed.  As was I, but I wasn't willing to risk it.  As Jonathan fidgeted with his Vibrams, I took off toward the trail.

A mile later I was all alone and lost in thought.  I was in an exhaustion-induced trance-like state, surrounded by trees with the lake to my left.  My thighs and groins tightening on each climb and descent. A half-mile later, I had a running partner.  Jonathan caught up with me and I couldn't have been happier.  We set a good pace for what would turn out to be the rest of the run.

For what seemed like the longest four mile run of our lives, when we had some oxygen to spare, we tried to convey to one another how awesome this was.  He thanked me for me inviting him.  I thanked him for pushing me during the race and throughout the past four months.  We passed a few runners, ran through a few more puddles, and prayed to see the finish line at the next turn.  We agreed we would cross the finish line together.  But just like our earlier agreement about sticking together during the swim, this plan also blew up.

We were on the final stretch with about a thousand yards to go.  We both see the finish line and are keeping in lock-step.  With about 150 yards to go, we hear my "buddy" on the PA.  I anticipate that he is about to call out our names and numbers as we head in.  Instead, we hear, "Hey, this isn't a running club!  This is a race!"

Jonathan and I look at each other, and without saying a word, we smile and both take off on a full-on sprint.  I hear the noise levels of the crowd increase with cheers and laughter.  Fifty yards to go and we're in a deadlock.  Jonathan pulls ahead slightly.  Then I pull ahead.  Then we're dead-even!

With five yards to the finish I lean my body weight forward to slightly edge him out.  The cheers and laughter continues, but as I soon discover that I no longer have the leg strength left to stop my momentum, I prepare for a full face-first encounter with the dirt.  The crowd's cheers turn to a concerned, "Ooooooohhh!"

Somehow, I manage to grab the shoulder of the volunteer worker who is coming for my number.  Amazingly, and regrettably for the audience, I avoid the face-plant and my ego retains its pride.

Post-Race
During my last race, last year in Tahoe, you'll recall, I was bailed out during the ride after my back tire went flat.  I was helped by two guys who suppressed their own self-interest in order to help me get through the race.  All that was asked in return was to "pay it forward."

So this race I was on the lookout.  I had a spare bag full of equipment so I could help out last year's me.  During the ride, anytime I saw someone pulled off to the side, I would ask, "Y'alright?  Need some help?"  The response was always the same, that they didn't need help.  So when I finished the race and I hadn't come to anyone's rescue, I was kind of disappointed.

Then I went over to Jonathan as we packed up after the race.  The first words out of his mouth were, "So, when's the next race?"  He was buzzing.  The look on his face said everything.

"I wanted to feel like an athlete again.  I now feel like one again.  Thank you."

Last year, my brother John gave me a gift.  Not just the Anchorsteam jersey, or the registration for the Folsom Xterra.  He gave me the gift of triathlon, of feeling like an athlete again.  This is a gift that Tracy and I have been able to share together.  And now, I learned, without realizing it before, that I had passed that gift on.

So who's next?

Exciting Things to Come

This is a very exciting time.  Here's a few reasons why, in no particular order:

1.  Tracy and I are a few weeks away from graduating law school.

2.  Tracy is one phone call away from a job offer in Sacramento - any day now!  I am one email away from getting someone to just open my job application. 

3.  We could move up to Sacramento in a few short weeks, or alternatively, we could move to LA to study for the bar.  Either way we are moving out of our apartment in San Francisco. 

4.  Tracy and I are getting married in October in South Lake Tahoe!

5.  We are competing in the Folsom Xterra Triathlon this Sunday, April 1st, with special guests.

6.  Last, but certainly not least, I am competing in the Brewskeeball National Championship in New York City on Memorial Day Weekend (May 24-26).

More to come, more to come...

Enlightenmentally Challenged

Meditation has always intrigued me.  Ever since taking a course in Eastern Religions during my first year of college, I've fantasized about bending spoons and levitating.  I'd daydream of floating around in the flowing and colorful robes.  I'd daydream of inexplicably going completely bald and settling in with a Buddha bulb of a belly.  Most importantly, I fantasized of becoming "enlightened."   


Eastern philosophy and practice has always seemed exotic to me, so different.  And that was part of the draw.  But deeper than this otherness was an intuitive feeling that a lot of their philosophies and practices just made a ton of sense.  Meditation and yoga, for example, just seemed very practical and focused on this world, the here and now, and not so much on what happens next.  However, on the other hand, these teachings and practices seemed so elusive, intangible, and impossible to understand. (Think: "what is the sound of one hand clapping?")


My irrational fantasizing was not all in vain, I guess, because it led me to actually try it out.  Six years ago, I moved back home after my first two years of college in San Diego.  At that point in my life, I was not in a good place psychologically, physically, or emotionally.  But instead of just continuing to imagine myself levitating and becoming the envy of society, I bought a book on meditation and decided to enroll in a yoga class at my new school.  


I read the meditation book first.  It was surprisingly straight-forward.  It laid out many of the physiological and psychological benefits of meditation.  It gave what I thought at the time were pretty simplistic directions in how to meditate: sit down, close your eyes, take deep breaths, focus on your breath, counting breaths helps maintain focus on breath.  It wasn't at all what I expected. By sitting and drawing in deep breath after deep breath, yea, I mean, I felt pretty relaxed after each session.  But I never levitated or bent any spoons.  Most of all, I didn't feel like I was getting anywhere cognitively or spiritually.  What am I missing?  Maybe yoga will resolve this. 


Heading into my first yoga class, I thought to myself, "I got this. I'm in decent shape.  What? All we're doing is some stretching and shit, right?"  But by the third "chair pose," my ass and hammies were on fire and I didn't know what hit me.  I was ready to walk out.  But I couldn't just walk out, if I quit I wouldn't get credit for the class.  So I stuck with it.  I had no choice.  After three weeks, all I had to show for it was a perpetually sore ass and an even more bruised ego.  Where was the spiritual bliss?  The only time I felt something remotely resembling bliss was when I was rolling up my mat and heading out the door.  


Fast forward six years.  I'm still regularly practicing yoga - once or twice a week - and have been since I enrolled in that class in college six years ago.  Why?  Because it works.  The physical, psychological, emotional, and spiritual benefits can be huge and have been for me.  It is not an overstatement to say that yoga has changed my life.  But the more I practice, the more I realize how little I know, and how there has been a key piece that I have been missing.  I mean, yea, I still hadn't levitated yet or been able to grow a mangy guru beard, but that's not what I am driving at.  What I mean is that after six years of regularly practicing yoga, I still hadn't come to understand meditation.


Even though I was trying to meditate every so often over the past six years, I still had no idea what I was doing.  Sure, it made me feel more relaxed than before I sat down, but it didn't seem like it was going anywhere.  Feeling frustrated, about six months ago, I just stopped doing it.  


Six or seven weeks ago, Tracy came home with a magazine called the "Shambhala Sun."  She said she saw it at Whole Foods.  She was intrigued and decided to pick it up.  She tossed it over to me.  On the cover was a 30 or 40 year-old man sitting cross-legged with eyes closed and hands clasped on his lap.  To the right of the man read, "Does Meditation Really Work?"  Flipping through, and finding out that yes, it does work, I was convinced but not inspired.  It just seemed too hard.  And where do I fit it into my schedule?  When Tracy suggested that we set a time each day to meditate, I shot the idea down immediately.  I got fussy, she laughed at me.  


About two weeks later, Tracy and I had just come out of a rare late afternoon Friday yoga class - we typically practice either Monday or Wednesday nights with the same instructor, Darren Main.  Walking out of the class, we hear, "you guys are cheating on me!"  We recognize the voice, turn left and see a smiling Darren.  We share a laugh.  We linger around and chat with Darren for a few minutes.  He was teaching the class after the one we just came out of.  As he heads into the studio to teach his class, T and I continue to hang around the lobby of the studio.  We poke around the bookshelf, checking out some of the titles.  I pull a book off the shelf, then Tracy pulls one off. The book I pull is titled, "Inner Tranquility: A Guide to Seated Meditation" by Darren Main.  The book Tracy pull is titled , "Yoga and the Path of the Urban Mystic," also by Darren Main.  


Darren pops back into the lobby to grab something he forgot.  We turn to him. "Hey, we're thinking about buying your books!" we say, excited. 


"So I've successfully guilt-tripped you into buying my books?  Great!  I have others!"  Darren responds dryly.  


I dove into Darren's book on meditation the very next day.  What struck me immediately was its clarity.  Reading it felt like I picked up "Meditation for Dummies."  And while it is written for the reader who has no previous knowledge of meditation, it is never condescending or patronizing.  Darren starts out by explaining the different ways to sit, how long to sit, when to sit, a few of the different styles of meditation, and what to do during meditation.  He recommends a thirty-day challenge: 1) Try meditating for twenty minutes a day for thirty straight days.  2) See if you want to continue practicing meditation after those thirty days.  3) If you do want to continue, do another thirty-day challenge.  


A few chapters into the short book I realized there was a lot that I was not doing right.  I learned I was not sitting cross-legged with a straight spine.  Nor was I breathing correctly.  Taking deep breaths is okay when settling in, I learned, but after a minute or so, your breathing should become natural and unforced.  The focus of the practice is to concentrate on your slight and effortless inhalation and exhalation.  That's all.  Whenever a distracting thought bubbles up, direct your concentration back to the breath.  I thought myself, "Really? That's all there is to it?  I got this."  


It was Sunday morning and I was ready to start the challenge.  


Then I closed my eyes and started Day One of the challenge.  It was Sunday morning, February 19th, and I was ready.  But two minutes into my first meditation and I thought I was insane.  Even though I had just gotten out of bed fifteen minutes beforehand and even though I hadn't eaten, drank, or logged on to anything, my mind felt like it had been substituted with the mind of a hyperactive chimpanzee.  Trying to focus on nothing but my slight inhalation and exhalation was like trying to lasso a wet cat. 


Okay, breathe...  Just focus on the breath... Inhale... Exhale...


"What are you gonna wear today?!  Ooo, breakfast?! Have you thought about breakfast?! You're out of fruit! Out of fruit!  Better go to the store!  Thought about dinner?? You're out of clean underwear too!  Laundry! Laundry!!"


Shut up, will you?  Okay, back to breath... Inhale...Exhale...


"You forgot to email your supervisor.  You said you were going to email her.  You haven't called your client back either.  I wonder what's on Facebook? I bet someone commented on your latest post.  Have you thought about what you're going to write for your next blog post?!  Hey, you should write about this!  That bird outside really needs to stop chirping.  Rush Limbaugh is such an asshole, huh?"


What?  I was convinced I was nuts.  But I was reassured that this was normal.  


The twenty minutes couldn't have gone slower.  My back started aching, my foot fell asleep, and my hips screamed.  Day One completed - barely. 


Having successfully completed the 30-day challenge, and now in my first few days of another 30 day challenge, I wish I could say to you, dear reader, that at the end of the 30-day challenge I have mentally crushed a few spoons and freed my mind of useless clutter.  It pains me to admit otherwise. My spoons are still in tact and my mind is not free of clutter.  


[Assuming you have already left the page upon hearing this devastating news, I will spend the rest of this post explaining (to myself) why meditation is still very worthwhile.]


I noticed the benefits right away.  Despite feeling crazy during those first few sessions, the sense of ease and calm that I felt throughout the rest of my day was unparalleled.  Whenever something frustrated me or made me anxious, I found myself bringing my attention back to my breath, just like I would during meditation.  Amazingly, that frustration or annoyance would cease, if not right away, then quicker than it used to.  For example, a woman yaking on her cell phone on the morning train was seen in different light.  It was seen as a challenge.  Can I take inventory of what I'm thinking and feeling and try to breathe through it?  Sometimes I could, sometimes I couldn't. 


While I could sense my patience growing for others, I also found a growing sense of patience for myself.  In his book, Darren explains the five main distractions or impulses that can detract from meditation: craving, aversion, fantasy, sloth, and agitation.  Most distracting thoughts and impulses can be traced back to these five.  Each distracts you from the present moment.  Whenever you notice you're experiencing one of these five distractions, I learned, recognize it, label it, and direct yourself back to the breath.  Easier said than done.  


I find that I am constantly engaging in fantasy, aversion, and agitation.  Sometimes all at the same time.  For example, I would find myself getting excited about an upcoming court hearing.  I would fantasize about the courtroom, my compelling argument, wooing everyone, and winning the case and being the hero.  One second later, I would find myself in aversion-mode and completely terrified.  What if I lose?  What if I look like a total moron?  I can't do this.  Then, I find myself agitated.  I can't sit still, my heart has sped up, and I'm fussy.  All this because of a fantasy.  Something completely made up in my mind, something that doesn't exist and has no basis in reality.  Something that takes me far away from the present moment, i.e., the breath.  


Or I would find myself fantasizing about becoming a famous writer.  I'd fantasize about all the books I will write, the adoration of fans, my NPR interviews, all the great people I would meet, and the great lifestyle I would live.  And then, aversion: what if I don't like my publisher?  What if the critics don't like my book? I should just stick to law.  Then I'm agitated and fussy again.  I realize this sounds ridiculous, and it is, but it's amazing how often we engage in this sort of thinking without ever realizing it.  


The great thing about meditation, I've noticed, is developing this awareness, gaining an insight into how my mind, thoughts, and emotions work so I can recognize when I am having these fantasies, aversions, and agitations.  And instead of engaging in them, never let them gain enough momentum to take flight.


I could go on and on about my experience with meditation.  I could talk about how great it has been for my focus and concentration, for my sleep, for my self-discipline in diet and exercise, or for my clarity in communication.  I could talk about how I set my alarm thirty minutes earlier every morning yet still look forward to meditating everyday.  I could talk about how the twenty minutes don't seem so long now and how the physical discomfort is all but gone while meditating.  I could talk about some of the moments of complete stillness that I have experienced during a few meditation sessions.  I could talk about how great it has been for Tracy and my relationship - we both completed the 30-day challenge together.  Or I could talk about how I finally feel like I'm starting to have a deeper understanding of yoga.


But I won't.  I'm far too "enlightened" now to keep boasting.